Unconditional Love

I have been wanting to write about this for a while and I finally decided I need to just set the homework aside and write it because it is so important to me and I want to remember this and I want my kids to know it too. Warning: it's a "little" sporadic. 

I see myself as a pretty loving person and I feel like I love people fairly easily. I also knew that unconditional love meant that you don't have any condition on your love for them {right, it logically makes sense?}.

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I see a lot of people making LONG lists of why they love their spouse. One day I (as us women are known to do) began to wonder what my spouse would put on his list of why he loves me. Sam had not actually made one of these list of why he loves me so I decided to ask him.

"Sam, why do you love me?" You could tell he was surprised by the question but none the less gave his honest reply, "Missy, I don't love you for any particular reason. I just love... YOU." At first I didn't know how to make sense of this... good, he loves me for my personality?... Or can he really just not think of anything?... I knew this couldn't be true because I do feel a deep love from him... 

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In my theories class we are learning about the exchange theory. In essence, it is the theory that people make decisions in life that are going to be a profit to them. That they will evaluate the cost-benefit ratio before they make decisions. We, as family life scholars, relate this to relationships. That people will weigh the costs and benefits before deciding to marry someone but will most likely marry someone that they see as a gain. {There is a lot more that goes into this theory but that is the essence}. 
* * * * * 
Throughout my life I have heard that if you "let yourself go" or create a stressful home environment then your husband will start having an affair with his co-worker {variations depending on who I was talking too}. They are so sure that once you didn't “measure up” to your husband, he would see his alternatives and leave, end-of-story [profit would be greater than the cost: exchange theory]. It's so sad that people view marriage this way! A marriage would be so unstable if you could never put your guard down, you always had to go to "the gym". It's not comforting having this theory as your foundation for operation-- your view of marriage is a contract {as upon a condition being met}. However, Marriage is divinely created. One that is not designed based on the exchange theory but rather it is a covenant we make! 

There is one thing that the exchange theory can't explain: Altruism. 

Altruism: Unselfish concern for the welfare of others; selflessness.

* * * *

"Missy, I don't love you for any particular reason. I just love... YOU!"

Of all the many things that I have learned from having Sam in my life, this is one of my favorites!:

Sam has taught me what unconditional love is, what meaning unconditional really has... what true LOVE really is-- it is loving as Christ loves. 

Sam really does {only} love me, for me! Not because of anything that I possess or do or have... because the only thing constant in life is change. {don't get me wrong, there are things that he does love about me}. 

His love isn't founded about anything like that-- it's founded on a covenant-- a PROMISE that he made to me and to Heavenly Father.

I can't thank him enough for his great Christ-like example. He really does draw me closer to my savior by helping me realize how much they really do love me.

UNCONDITIONAL:
Something that I once thought as something so simple (and rather objective), became much much more, it became something that I felt—it became so real. I feel like it started to take on its own construct and personality. It had deeper substance and meaning. 
     Yet it's still beautifully abstract-- in a good way.

Christ and Heavenly Father loves me/you/us unconditionally. 

(The you tube clip I have recently posted goes along nicely with this).

* * * *

My professor was a Marriage and Family Therapist with his focus being in spouses that have addictions, mostly pornography. Before we read an article that he wrote, Covenant Sponsor—“Here Am I, Send Me”, he told us that a lot of people say that once their spouse has an addiction or views pornography or any other sexual transgression, they are going to leave their marriage. He tied this in with the exchange theory and unconditional love (these marriages are based on a condition-- that they don't get addicted to anything). I really liked his take on this subject and the principles he emphasizes (I think they can be applied to all marriages because it gives each spouse a powerful outlook on helping their spouse through weaknesses). Here is the 'abstract' of the article in a book:

Sharing a loved one’s struggle with addiction requires a heart for healing, one that is

close- knit and close- kin to the Savior’s own loving heart. Only such a heart is willing to suffer innocently, sacrifice, and endure in the hope of helping save another. Marriage, family, and priesthood relationships are divinely designed and divinely endowed for our help here in mortality. In these relationships God beckons us to be covenant “sponsors” to help sustain and secure loved ones’ recovery. In turn, God promises heaven’s help! Surely the windows of heaven are never open wider than for a dear daughter or son of God who meekly follows in the Savior’s Gethsemane footsteps in order to rescue a loved one. It is a miraculous witness of the love of God the way He helps His covenant helpers, magnifying their capacity and their understanding, their love and their peace— sanctifying their hearts and exalting their souls. In the context of agency, there are no guarantees that one’s service and sacrifice will be welcomed or fulfill its rescuing purpose, but love so given is never wasted, and hope endures and often bears precious fruit. “Why suffer?” “How can I endure?” “How can I be at peace?” “How can I still be happy amid this trial?”... {read more} to consider whether, why, and how you too may meekly offer, “Here am I, send me” (Abraham 3:27), and walk in the Savior’s footsteps.

I am so grateful for my husband that understands what a covenant marriage is and is willing to live up to it.

There is so much more I want to comment on and tie all of these random thoughts together... but I hope you get the messages...  I need to get other things done. :P

Thank you, Mr. Gardener

I am always so touched to hear this story, pretty sure I cry listening to this one every time:

"I was living up in Canada. I had purchased a farm. It was run-down. I went out one morning and saw a currant bush. It had grown up over six feet high. It was going all to wood. There were no blossoms and no currants. I was raised on a fruit farm in Salt Lake before we went to Canada, and I knew what ought to happen to that currant bush. So I got some pruning shears and went after it, and I cut it down, and pruned it, and clipped it back until there was nothing left but a little clump of stumps. It was just coming daylight, and I thought I saw on top of each of these little stumps what appeared to be a tear, and I thought the currant bush was crying.

I was kind of simpleminded (and I haven’t entirely gotten over it), and I looked at it, and smiled, and said, “What are you crying about?” You know, I thought I heard that currant bush talk. And I thought I heard it say this: “How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. I was almost as big as the shade tree and the fruit tree that are inside the fence, and now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me, because I didn’t make what I should have made. How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.” 

That’s what I thought I heard the currant bush say, and I thought it so much that I answered. I said, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and some day, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down, for caring enough about me to hurt me. Thank you, Mr. Gardener.’

Time passed. Years passed, and I found myself in England. I was in command of a cavalry unit in the Canadian Army. I had made rather rapid progress as far as promotions are concerned, and I held the rank of field officer in the British Canadian Army. And I was proud of my position. And there was an opportunity for me to become a general. I had taken all the examinations. I had the seniority. There was just one man between me and that which for ten years I had hoped to get, the office of general in the British Army. I swelled up with pride. And this one man became a casualty, and I received a telegram from London. It said: “Be in my office tomorrow morning at 10:00,” signed by General Turner in charge of all Canadian forces. I called in my valet, my personal servant. I told him to polish my buttons, to brush my hat and my boots, and to make me look like a general because that is what I was going to be. He did the best he could with what he had to work on, and I went up to London. I walked smartly into the office of the General, and I saluted him smartly, and he gave me the same kind of a salute a senior officer usually gives—a sort of “Get out of the way, worm!” He said, “Sit down, Brown.” Then he said, “I’m sorry I cannot make the appointment. You are entitled to it. You have passed all the examinations. You have the seniority. You’ve been a good officer, but I can’t make the appointment. You are to return to Canada and become a training officer and a transport officer. Someone else will be made a general.” That for which I had been hoping and praying for ten years suddenly slipped out of my fingers.

Then he went into the other room to answer the telephone, and I took a soldier’s privilege of looking on his desk. I saw my personal history sheet. Right across the bottom of it in bold, block-type letters was written, “THIS MAN IS A MORMON.” We were not very well liked in those days. When I saw that, I knew why I had not been appointed. I already held the highest rank of any Mormon in the British Army. He came back and said, “That’s all, Brown.” I saluted him again, but not quite as smartly. I saluted out of duty and went out. I got on the train and started back to my town, 120 miles away, with a broken heart, with bitterness in my soul. And every click of the wheels on the rails seemed to say, “You are a failure. You will be called a coward when you get home. You raised all those Mormon boys to join the army, then you sneak off home.” I knew what I was going to get, and when I got to my tent, I was so bitter that I threw my cap and my saddle brown belt on the cot. I clinched my fists and I shook them at heaven. I said, “How could you do this to me, God? I have done everything I could do to measure up. There is nothing that I could have done—that I should have done—that I haven’t done. How could you do this to me?” I was as bitter as gall.

And then I heard a voice, and I recognized the tone of this voice. It was my own voice, and the voice said, “I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to do.” The bitterness went out of my soul, and I fell on my knees by the cot to ask forgiveness for my ungratefulness and my bitterness.”- ELDER HUGH B. BROWN

For the Full Story Click Here

Elder Busche Advice

The Lord's Timing

I got married the same month that I turned 20. When people would find out that I was getting married at 19 I could see their worry cross their face, like it once did in mine. I never wanted to get married at 19, I told my self that I would never do it. But because of the situation that I was in, it was the best thing to do and it felt right. I told myself that 3 weeks {or even 4 months} is not going to be the determining factor of weather I have a satisfying and quality marriage or not. It was a great learning experience to trust the Lord, His timing, and to have the courage to marry "at the right time."

Last week, however, I heard the statistic again: the number one risk factor for getting a divorce is getting married as a teenager. This made my heart begin to race again, questioning if I should have just waited those 3 weeks. I reminded myself of all of the many reasons we chose the date that we did (housing contracts, pell grants, school schedule, finals week...).

I tried telling myself that everyday during my marriage preparation class {the SFL one that really digs deep and incorporates the secular and spiritual -- in my opinion it's a lot better than the religion one} I was impressed by Sam and my relationship. As the teacher would discuss how to effectively solve conflicts, how to have mature love, how to have the best communication patterns, what foundations make marriages last {the list goes on and on}. As I would sit there and feel the spirit {day after day} I knew that moving forward with Sam was the right thing to do. We really did {and still do} have great interdependence and resiliency.

As it is well known, a 19 year old can be as mature {and even more mature in some cases} as a 21 or 23 year old. The "dead-set" cut off is an average for the population. There are people that get married at my age that are successful that balance out the people that get married a little later and are unsuccessful. This helped but my soul was still seeking more.

I remembered when my mom told me that I am still more immature in some aspects but that I am also very mature in other aspects that exceed that of my peers. Like being self-reliant, responsible and independent {i.e. doing well academically my freshman year where as most people did not see the long term impact and consequence of 'partying' too much that first or second year & not relying on her to do things for me that I could do myself}. She also tied this into being self-disciplined and being motivated to do things {i.e. homework} even when I did not want too. I also thought about how a lot of my good friends are a year in school older than me because that is what I am comfortable with.

These things helped, but what really gave me that piece that I was looking for was when I remembered that social scientist statistics only apply to the majority of that specific population. When I applied this to me I got the impression that I may or may not fit into that population. Because of my family demographics I feel that I was prepared and reared differently than the majority of the population that would have prepared me more for marriage.

I also thought about the fact that I am an outlier in many other statistics like people get worse grades if they work more than 10 hours a week, {see post "I thank you Syd"}. I am definitely an outlier. By connecting the dots from my secular learning to my spiritual knowledge-- reminded me once again the peace and comfort I felt that it really was the right thing to do. I'm not saying that I do not apply to the said "rule" to myself. I just feel like I was given a very special opportunity, to a very special guy, at a very special time . . . One that cannot be mistaken.

I am so glad that I followed the Lord's timing and not my own. I has been a humbling experience for me yet I feel closer to my Savior because of it. I never thought that being an outlier would make my faith increase and draw me closer unto Him. I am grateful for not being the "norm" and for my Father in Heaven that loves me more than I ever thought possible {and knows what is best for me and my family}. That He know what is best for me, even when I may not be able to see it at first.

{Side Note: A benefit of the day that we choose is that I had another month that I got to spend married with my husband, (and not single) and receive more of the blessings from making this covenant when following the right precepts.}

New Friends

Study, Work, Eat, Sleep. That pretty much sums up my life. When I would hear people talking about being a friend or making friends... I always wondered if I am good at making new friends. As you can tell my "work, study, eat, sleep" does not entail making friends... Therefore, I don't think of myself as someone that makes new friends or is very social.

Background: When Sam and I would be out and about we would always run into someone I went to high school with or someone I knew from a class. He would always comment and asks how is it possible that I know so many people or say that i'm "so popular".

However, the other day Sam and I took a break from homework and went on a run. We ran into a friend that I made in one of my classes. And I finally realized that contrary to my popular belief that I do my homework so much I don't socialize--I do. It made me so happy!! I realized that I am actually very social... Some how I managed to forget that for a while.

I thought about how many friends I have made since coming to college. I barely go anywhere without running into someone. I would meet someone in class and find out they were struggling and I would offer to have them study with me so they could improve their grade. Or I would talk to the person I was sitting by until class started and then it became every time we had class we would catch up. I would also put together study groups where I would share different ways that have helped me to remember lots of different terms or concepts.

I realized that I actually do make friends! I know that sounds silly but I am so grateful for all of the friends that I have here at college and how we still keep in touch.