I have been wanting to write about this for a while and I finally decided I need to just set the homework aside and write it because it is so important to me and I want to remember this and I want my kids to know it too. Warning: it's a "little" sporadic.
I see myself as a pretty loving person and I feel like I love people fairly easily. I also knew that unconditional love meant that you don't have any condition on your love for them {right, it logically makes sense?}.
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I see a lot of people making LONG lists of why they love their spouse. One day I (as us women are known to do) began to wonder what my spouse would put on his list of why he loves me. Sam had not actually made one of these list of why he loves me so I decided to ask him.
"Sam, why do you love me?" You could tell he was surprised by the question but none the less gave his honest reply, "Missy, I don't love you for any particular reason. I just love... YOU." At first I didn't know how to make sense of this... good, he loves me for my personality?... Or can he really just not think of anything?... I knew this couldn't be true because I do feel a deep love from him...
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In my theories class we are learning about the exchange theory. In essence, it is the theory that people make decisions in life that are going to be a profit to them. That they will evaluate the cost-benefit ratio before they make decisions. We, as family life scholars, relate this to relationships. That people will weigh the costs and benefits before deciding to marry someone but will most likely marry someone that they see as a gain. {There is a lot more that goes into this theory but that is the essence}.
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Throughout my life I have heard that if you "let yourself go" or create a stressful home environment then your husband will start having an affair with his co-worker {variations depending on who I was talking too}. They are so sure that once you didn't “measure up” to your husband, he would see his alternatives and leave, end-of-story [profit would be greater than the cost: exchange theory]. It's so sad that people view marriage this way! A marriage would be so unstable if you could never put your guard down, you always had to go to "the gym". It's not comforting having this theory as your foundation for operation-- your view of marriage is a contract {as upon a condition being met}. However, Marriage is divinely created. One that is not designed based on the exchange theory but rather it is a covenant we make!
There is one thing that the exchange theory can't explain: Altruism.
Altruism: Unselfish concern for the welfare of others; selflessness.
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"Missy, I don't love you for any particular reason. I just love... YOU!"
Of all the many things that I have learned from having Sam in my life, this is one of my favorites!:
Sam has taught me what unconditional
love is, what meaning unconditional really has... what true LOVE really is-- it is loving as Christ loves.
Sam really does {only} love me, for me! Not because of anything that I possess or do or have... because the only thing constant in life is change. {don't get me wrong, there are things that he does love about me}.
His love isn't founded about anything like that-- it's founded on a covenant-- a PROMISE that he made to me and to Heavenly Father.
I can't thank him enough for his great Christ-like example. He really does draw me closer to my savior by helping me realize how much they really do love me.
UNCONDITIONAL:
Something that I once thought as something so simple (and rather objective), became much much more, it became something that I felt—it became so real. I feel like it started to take on its own construct and personality. It had deeper substance and meaning.
Yet it's still beautifully abstract-- in a good way.
Christ and Heavenly Father loves me/you/us unconditionally.
(The you tube clip I have recently posted goes along nicely with this).
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My professor was a Marriage and Family Therapist with his focus being in spouses that have addictions, mostly pornography. Before we read an article that he wrote, Covenant Sponsor—“Here Am I, Send Me”, he told us that a lot of people say that once their spouse has an addiction or views pornography or any other sexual transgression, they are going to leave their marriage. He tied this in with the exchange theory and unconditional love (these marriages are based on a condition-- that they don't get addicted to anything). I really liked his take on this subject and the principles he emphasizes (I think they can be applied to all marriages because it gives each spouse a powerful outlook on helping their spouse through weaknesses). Here is the 'abstract' of the article in a book:
Sharing a loved one’s struggle with addiction requires a heart for healing, one that is
close- knit and close- kin to the Savior’s own loving heart. Only such a heart is willing to suffer innocently, sacrifice, and endure in the hope of helping save another. Marriage, family, and priesthood relationships are divinely designed and divinely endowed for our help here in mortality. In these relationships God beckons us to be covenant “sponsors” to help sustain and secure loved ones’ recovery. In turn, God promises heaven’s help! Surely the windows of heaven are never open wider than for a dear daughter or son of God who meekly follows in the Savior’s Gethsemane footsteps in order to rescue a loved one. It is a miraculous witness of the love of God the way He helps His covenant helpers, magnifying their capacity and their understanding, their love and their peace— sanctifying their hearts and exalting their souls. In the context of agency, there are no guarantees that one’s service and sacrifice will be welcomed or fulfill its rescuing purpose, but love so given is never wasted, and hope endures and often bears precious fruit. “Why suffer?” “How can I endure?” “How can I be at peace?” “How can I still be happy amid this trial?”... {read more} to consider whether, why, and how you too may meekly offer, “Here am I, send me” (Abraham 3:27), and walk in the Savior’s footsteps.
I am so grateful for my husband that understands what a covenant marriage is and is willing to live up to it.
There is so much more I want to comment on and tie all of these random thoughts together... but I hope you get the messages... I need to get other things done. :P
