Faith and Fear

Life is hard. My heart aches. I feel sorrow. 

I turn to the Lord and pray with full purpose in heart. With REAL intent. I know he is listening.

I listen to many testimonies bearing witness that God loves us, that things will work out. I believe them. I know God wants what is best for us and our family. 

I know the suffering Sam and I are experiencing is for a purpose. To make us stronger. I feel myself slowly becoming stronger as time passes by. 

But I still ask why. I want to see full picture, I want to see what he wants us to become. I don't see it yet. At times I can feel that fear seeping in. I don't like it. So I constantly have to keep turning to him.

I feel like no matter how hard we try and how hard we work it really doesn't make a difference. I feel like things are not working out. As of right now, they are not working out. The only thing that is working out is God's plan. It's funny how I thought I had more control over this. But I guess this is what faith is. Belief.

I am mad. I am not mad at my Heavenly Father though. Every time I pray to him and tell him how I feel he always wraps me up with his unconditional love and tells me it'll be alright. I cry, pleading for more understanding. More patience more anything that will make this pain go away.

And so I trust Him, something I am very bad at (I have  a really hard time trusting others), and ... I wait. I pray. Hoping for brighter days ahead. 

"Do your best, and leave the rest to him"